15
This is important, but I can’t get it out of my head that I’m being selfish. I left the hospital 10 minutes ago and here I am now in Adrian’s apartment with Ryan and him doing ever more planning for the project. I’m chain smoking. I’ve been staring at a spreadsheet of the budget. I stop between cigarettes and say that I feel really f***** up for leaving. She’s up, she’s eating; she’s joking around, so maybe I should still be there. I told her that Dad’s driving everyone nuts with her not being at the house. She said she’d be home soon - it’s only a touch of pneumonia. Pneumonia on top of tar-ala-45-years and I stare at my next cigarette and wonder if she’d notice if I quit. Adrian says I’m doing what I have to so I can stay sane right now. I think I’m doing what I need to so I can pretend that it’s not going on. Maybe they’re the same.
She had a peanut butter sandwich with the crusts cut off for dinner. I think Kim cut the crust off for her. She didn’t want her mac and cheese, she told me to eat it. I think I should have - I’m kind of hungry.
8:29 pm
Feb 20 2008
It’s not easy to know what the right thing to do is, in this kind of situation. And sometimes, even if we think we know, we don’t really. Maybe your mother wanted you to leave, so that you’d last see her in a good way - up, eating, joking…