By request, I’ve decided to post my potentially offensive story.  Fair warning. 

I spent a few hours with my mamma today. I figured it was unavoidable, being Mother’s Day and all… We both went over to my grandparent’s to set them up with a nice dinner so my grandmother wouldn’t have to cook. We sat around, drank coffee, and talked about my plans to do away with my mother when she reaches 85 or so. I just don’t want the hassle of caring for an elderly mother, ya know? I mean, it’s not like she gave birth to me, changed my diapers, fed me, raised me, tolerated my unbelievably devilish behavior for most of my young life and still managed to love me… Plus, what’s a Mother’s Day without a discussion about matricide euthanasia?

You should know that when my mother and I get together we have a tendency to occasionally descend into fits of black humor. Today was one such time. I made one comment, she played along, and before we knew it, we were off on a little, private pageant with no audience.

We decided the events would be as such:

I would come to her, tiny white pills in hand, and tell her that I needed her to take them. She’d ask me what they were and I’d tell her they were good for her. She’d look me in the eye, trying to discern my trustworthiness then gingerly take the pills from my hand and place them in her mouth. I’d send her off to bed with a promise to check on her later.

Upon checking on her, I’d realize that the pills may not have been enough. The pillow will be the plan B. She’s certain at this point I’d sit down and have a smoke or two, then call the police to inform them that I’d found my mother dead in her bed.

When the EMT’s arrived they’d find the house decked out in streamers and balloons. I’d offer them cake. Perhaps they’d like some champagne? I’ve got some strawberries my mother froze about five years ago (my family has a sickness. They horde food. It’s insane. I can’t even begin to tell you how serious this problem is. You know what they say about pictures of the Grand Canyon? Well, that’s what this is like - but with words. I just can’t do it any justice).

I’d spend some time chatting politely with the police and the EMT’s and then be sure to suggest that they feel free to grab anything they may want from the 15 freezers in the garage on their way out.

That’s pretty much how we figure it will go…

When I showed up at my grandparent’s today, I produced my mom’s gift. She turned around and handed me a card in return. The card told me how happy she was to be my mother.

I love that lady.

2:48 am