What a long four years this has been for me.  Sometimes I can’t even remember what I was doing before this project.  Most of the time I worry because I have no idea what I will do after this project -   especially if it crashes and burns for whatever reason.   I have dedicated  every fiber of my being to this endeavor and it’s a scary place to be sometimes.  All of my eggs are in this proverbial basket.  Prospects outside of this are - nil.  My entire life has been tailored to accommodate the requirements that this process places on me.

It’s a good thing in some ways.  Needing this project to succeed as much as I do definitely creates a kind of monomaniacal reality for me, which can be very helpful to maintain enthusiasm.  Nothing like your entire future being on the line to really motivate you,  ya know?

While there are some benefits, there are many, many drawbacks.  I’m tired.  I’m stressed.  I frustrated when I can’t get the words to flow.  Worst of all, I’m broke.  Very broke.  Terribly and pathetically broke.  The “freedom” that Patrick referred to in his most recent post - that freedom to take the time to write this script - has come with a huge amount of sacrifice on the financial front.  Sure, it doesn’t cost me anything to write - nothing, that is, except time - which is time away from earning those little pieces of paper that make it possible for me to take care of my body (food, clothing, shelter).  I simply do not have the time to work on this script and work my jobs.  One of them has to suffer and I just can’t put the script on the back-burner.  We don’t have time.  The result is fewer hours at work.  It’s getting pretty tough.  I feel like I’m constantly on the go and am just barely scraping by.  This has been a problem that has been building for some time and I’ve finally reached critical mass.  I can’t make my bills this month - or next.

I long for the day when we get a greenlight and I can actually be paid to work on this script.  I long for a day when I won’t be eating one large meal a day (usually some form of pasta) in order to cut costs.  I long for the day that I can afford to take a little trip and still be able to afford my phone and my car…

People have this romanticized notion of the life of a starving artist.  I can tell you first hand, there is nothing romantic about it.  It sucks.

I’ve begun to think of my life as being divided into two parts - The time before we get  a greenlight and the time after.  Those two periods are divided by a set of railroad tracks on which a very high speed train is known to travel.  I feel like I’m racing toward those tracks as quickly as possible, but I’m almost out of gas, and as Johnny Cash once said, “I hear the train a comin”

Blah.  Anyway, I continue to push ahead.  For all of my complaining I still love what I’m doing and simply don’t know how to do anything else.   I just hope I can survive the side-effects.

1:27 am

tags: bills, broke, Johnny Cash, money, scared, stressed, time, train